In the middle of what I thought was a light conversation, she asked me if I ever thought about killing myself. I made the split second decision of answering "no" and hoping that was actually true. Even though we switched topics, I was processing her question in the back of my mind. I was trying to figure out the purpose of the question and/or whether it was a sign I should take into account.
The answer has changed. I thought about ending it, or at least hypothetically. This weekend, I gave it a thought or two. Every time I pictured the process in my head, I would chicken out at some point. I don't think I could go through with it. I guess it does take a lot of courage (or something) to take your own life. But it takes more "courage" to continue living, there's no doubt about that. Day in, day out, you have to believe things will get better.
Maybe life is a test, some turn in their test prematurely, others seem to know all the correct answers... I feel like I'm just guessing and hoping to get a passing grade.